


A Vanity Affair

by XxEpicGlitterKittyxX



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-15
Updated: 2012-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-31 06:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/340875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxEpicGlitterKittyxX/pseuds/XxEpicGlitterKittyxX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam has just begun his new tour, The Aquarius Ascending and his life has been turned into hell when the love of his life, Sauli Koskinen decides he can't handle the "Glam Life."  When Tommy is there to pick up the pieces Adam hates and loves him for it.  But the problem doesn't lie within Tommy, it's in Adam's heart, and Adam must decide to love himself, and love the only person who really knows him, or it just might kill him.  Hilarity ensues along the way, as well as the drama that comes with the love of those who are vain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

The lights dimmed over the roar of the crowd and suddenly Adam felt that familiar tinge of broken heartedness settle into his chest. He felt it every time he was forced to sing the wretched song. No matter how many times he begged and pleaded to take it off the set list, Kevin overruled him saying, "It's for the fans." Tonight was no different. Without fail Outlaws of Love was there and he could only yell to himself to keep it together to be able to perform. 

Come on Adam, you can do this. Get a grip.

He started the lyrics, similar to all the other times he had, and every fan swooned, but something was wrong. The effect of the Jack Daniels he had drunk before the show to numb the pain had gone away and he was left with the nothingness he had in his heart. No one noticed the rugged tone in his voice except for one person. It wasn't Sauli, the man Adam was so deeply in love with, who for the first time since he left Los Angeles, was backstage, but Tommy. The little blonde who could only stare at Adam, waiting for the moment that he could talk to him to try to calm him.

Now lead guitarist, Tommy spent a lot of late nights in Adam's hotel rooms and early mornings in any remote diner or café they could find, just doodling lyrics on napkins, joking over tea and coffee. They did this to get away from the glam life, even though they knew that outside the safe doors that closed them into their temporary sanctuary lie a whole nation of adoring fans, waiting, watching for one of them to make a move. Maybe it was hearing Adam pour his feelings all over the table to Tommy on bad nights like these that made Tommy love him. Maybe it was the way Adam hated to let anyone think he wasn't okay, that made Tommy change. All Tommy knew was that his already questionable sexual preference changed from girls to strictly Adam over the course of the Glamnation tour.

It's easy to fall in love with a rock star. It's as simple as glittered eyes and sexual lyrics, but to fall in love with the Adam underneath was complicated and near impossible. That is, for anyone other than Tommy. Staying up with Adam in the hotels, in cars and on their tour bus proved to be just the opposite. Easy. Rubbing his back and smoothing his hair until heavy sobbing turned into the light breathing of a sleeping Adam wasn't hard at all. After this night, this one concert, this single song, easy wouldn't be easy anymore. In fact, taking care of the broken rock god we call Adam Lambert would be the death of Tommy Joe Ratliff. Probably.


	2. The Red Army

_Hey. Tears all fall the same,_

_We all feel the rain,_

_We can't change._

_Everywhere we go,_

_We're looking for the sun._

_Nowhere to grow old,_

_We're always on the run._

_They say we'll rot in hell,_

_But I don't think we will._

_They've branded us enough,_

_Outlaws of Love._

Adam's voice trembled with the chorus. Tommy's stomach sank every time a shaky word left his lips and his gut wrenched at the sound of Adam crying. Tommy didn't know how else to handle it but to keep strumming his guitar with the chords that he loved. He knew all the words and chords to every one of Adam's songs, but this one was different. Its lyrics were always in his head and its melody was on his lips constantly. Tommy never used to understand why it bothered Adam so much. He realized soon after that while Adam came to his mind, Sauli came to Adam's. Sauli sitting backstage listening, watching, waiting for Adam to come near him wasn't exactly helping either.  With Adam's broken voice ringing in the background, Tommy didn't know how to help other than to love him just as he had before.  
Before Tommy realized, the musical segment had started. He was drawing a blank on what to do when a sudden burst of brilliance hit him or rather unbrilliance. He knew he had to get offstage to find him and he had figured out how. He signaled to Ashley, the bass player, to come over to him and she did, continuing to pluck her bass. Ashley had an unpleasantly attractive look about her. She wasn't model gorgeous but she wasn't hideous. Her look fit right in.  
He shouted to her loudly that she was to take over playing his guitar interlude while he went to find Adam. She quickly took his guitar and Tommy ran offstage, leaving her to her own devices. Tommy jogged through the twist of hallways until he finally met someone. Although Tommy wasn't upset because of them, Kevin and Sauli would now be subjected to Tommy's wrath. Kevin took one look at Tommy's flaming red cheeks and knew he was in trouble.  
"Kevin, what the fuck?! You knew that being in Helsinki would break his heart and with Sauli here it doesn't make it any better. You couldn't just let it go one time!?" Tommy yelled, “Just this one time for your friend?”  
Astounded, Kevin was lost for words.  
"And you!" Tommy pointed at Sauli, "How could you do this to him? He loves you more than air! And you have the indecency to show up here like you still have some claim over him! You are downright cruel. Just leave, before you can hurt him anymore."  
Tommy felt bad for yelling at his friend like that, but Sauli hurt Adam, and that wasn't okay. As much as Tommy cared for Sauli, he loved Adam. He was almost sure that losing Adam would kill him, and losing Adam to himself would make Tommy hurt, he would suffer a death of a broken heart. Seeing as Adam was headed down the path of destruction as it is, Tommy justified his ranting with the fact that Adam didn't need to be more upset that he already was, if that was even possible. Grumbling, Tommy ran again, this time determined to find Adam. A few more turns and Tommy came up on him. Raja was redoing Adam's make-up, which really had no point because tears were still streaming down his face, but still Raja proceeded to keep wiping his face.  
"Adam, please stop crying. Sauli jus-" Raja was caught off guard at the sight of Tommy.  
The blonde started to speak when he was shoved onto Adam's raising platform. A stage worker slid a shiny red bass on his shoulder and told him to go with it. Tommy knew the bass line to  _Trespassing_  as well as Ashley did, so it was no inconvenience to Tommy other than the feeling of a downgrade. He was handed a familiar amp cord and plugged it into the guitar. He could feel Adam's unease and attempted to console him.  
"Adam, please. Forget about it. This," Tommy motioned to the whole room, "This is all yours. Don't let it rule you and crush what you've built. Those fans are counting on you."  
The platform jerked up slowly and Adam quickly struck a pose, getting close to Tommy. He started fingering the bass, missing the familiar feeling of the thick strings. Adam could barely muster up a response to Tommy's pleas before he started clapping and stomping as the beat thumped through his chest. The music created what felt like a constricting atmosphere. It rushed in and around their heads, suffocating them, pulling them closer. The tears welled up into Adam's eyes and threatened to push over. Tommy then did a very stupid, yet clever thing. It was the only way Tommy knew how to solve things, booze and sex, so Tommy leaned in and brushed his lips softly against Adam's. Hungrily, Adam quickly deepened the kiss and released.  
Unlike any other stage kisses they had shared in the past, the kiss wasn't aggressive and sexual, but comforting and soft. Adam found temporary solace in the blonde's warm lips. The kiss had erased any feeling of unhappiness for the remainder of the final song. The kiss was now known as the "Trespassing kiss" and they would be expected to do it at every show. But even Adam knew that the lights would turn off, the venue would be silent, and at the end of the night, he would go to bed alone.  
Adam and his posse of dancers and band members took their final bow and walked off the stage. Just as Adam started to slip away, Tommy grabbed his wrist and spun him around. With the look in Adam's eyes, Tommy though to embrace him and soothe his sorrow, but Adam beat him to the punch. He quickly squeezed Tommy's shoulders and held on as if it were his life on the line.  
"I don't want it to hurt anymore," The taller man sobbed into Tommy's hair, "I don't wanna love him anymore."  
Right then Tommy decided not to tell Adam about his confrontation with Sauli. The "Sauli Situation" was already hard enough for Adam to deal with, knowing what had happened might set him off on a rampage. Sauli, Adam's Finnish love boodle, had applied for American citizenship, of course, to stay living with Adam in the U.S., but the application had been denied for some odd reason, and he was sent on a plane straight back to Helsinki, Finland. Tommy couldn't help but wonder what status that put Adam's relationship in, but it was clear once Adam drunkenly confessed to Tommy that it was over.  
Anyone who knew Adam knew that without Sauli, he would revisit his past habits of excessive drinking, binge, purge and even starvation types of eating habits and distancing himself from everything around him. Sauli was his light and his life, without him, Adam had become a black hole. One thing only the people closest to Adam knew, was that Adam couldn't give up the music anyway. He always had the choice to move to Helsinki too, seeing as Sauli made the move for him, but that wasn't the case.  Adam couldn't let go of the adrenaline highs even for the love of a century.

 

                                                                                                             ~*~ 

In Adam's room, he had immersed himself in a shower. Adam loved letting the hot water burn his skin until it turned red and angry. Showers were his escape in a sort of way. He slid down the shower wall and hung his head on his arms. Remembering to breathe was his first priority now and somehow he had forgotten how. "In, out, in out," He thought to himself. His shoulders ached with the pain of a thousand needles. Although Adam rubbed and rubbed, the tingeing feeling wouldn't cease.  
Tommy was getting worried about Adam being in there so long, he knocked lightly just to check on him. The blonde heard the water stop and Adam speak a light 'come in' so he pushed the door open slightly. He stepped into the door way to see a very wet and very pink Adam. Looking at a steamy Adam wasn't a new sight for Tommy, but it still made his lower abdomen tighten with tension at the sight of him. Ever since the "Sauli Situation" blew up in everyone's face, Adam constantly was asking Tommy to stay the night in his room with him, out of fear of being completely alone. Tommy had always complied, and they even stopped getting Tommy his own room sooner or later. Although Adam hated to admit it, the thought of the darkness scared him. Not in a childish way was he scared, but in a way that he didn't want to subject himself to the real darkness. His darkness.  
"Are you alright?" Tommy asked. The look of Adam's puffy red eyes told him his answer.  
Tommy began to apologize, but Adam cut him off.  
"Tommy, it's fine," He said, walking into the other room.  
The Glam nation had decided a very long time ago to call Adam's penis, "The Glambulge." Adam had no mind toward the fickle nickname that the fans gave him; in fact he thought it was adorable. Tommy on the other hand hated it. The nickname constantly made him think about seeing it every time someone mentioned it and as Adam dropped his towel to slide into his black pajama bottoms, Tommy was thinking about it. He almost fainted at the sight of Adam. Tommy secretly fantasized about the day Adam would rip him apart in a violent mix of alcohol and close contact, but never imagined that Adam would literally tear him apart.  
Tommy watched silently. The rock star began working around the room, tidying things up, and reorganizing his suitcases and their contents by color, designer, and from least to most favorite. Tommy knew that this was exactly why he loved the younger man. He loved all of Adam's quirks for what they were. Adam had a sick obsession with Tommy's hair, he needed everything to be perfectly clean and Tommy fell more and more in love every day.  
Caught up in cleaning, Adam was zoned out, but Tommy once again, could tell that something was wrong. He knew that Adam would clean himself into a rut if he continued on like this, drowning himself in things he can't swim in. He supposed that it was better than Adam's normal habit of drinking or sometimes even binge eating. Tommy crossed over to Adam; his figure was huddled over a suitcase, meticulously putting everything inside. His fingers lightly held onto Adam's shoulder, but the singer's reaction was less than satisfactory. Adam ripped away from Tommy's touch harshly. Lovingly, Tommy tried again, and got a completely different response.  
"Tommy! Back! The! Fuck! Off!" He yelled.  
Taken aback by the severity of Adam's voice, Tommy replied, "Adam.. I'm sorry, I just want to help you."  
Tommy had done it, and Adam hit his breaking point.  
"Tommy Joe! Don't you fucking get it!? I don't want your fucking help. Your help is worthless to me! I don't want you I want my Sauli! I want my Sauli back and you know what? He doesn't want me back. You wanna know what he told me Tommy Joe?! Huh?!" Adam yelled.  
Tommy was scared of him.  
"He told me that he didn't want to live a life where he isn't wanted! Isn't that the fucking funniest?! He couldn't handle the death threats, he couldn't deal with everyone hating him because of you!" Adam was screaming now, "I lied about the visa story Tommy Joe. It was all a huge lie! Sauli was the only one who understood, who I truly loved, and he's gone!"  
Adam was crying hysterically, he could feel he was losing grip again, for the first time in a long time.  
"Adam, I love you," Tommy began, "You should know that. I really-"  
"I don't fucking care! Tommy Joe I don't love you! I love Sauli and you could NEVER compare to him! I fucking hate you for doing this to me! I fucking hate you Tommy Joe! Don't you fucking get it?!" Adam screamed again, raging and throwing things everywhere, breaking a few vases and such.  
To hide the hurt Tommy yelled at Adam, "Fine. I'm fucking DONE with you. Go be the drunk, anorexic, pussy little bitch you were when I met you! Let's see who really loves you then. Take the fucking tampon out of your ass and get back to me."  
And with that, Tommy Joe slammed the door and left.

 

                                                                                                             ~*~

Tommy knocked on the door of room 218. He heard the sound of footsteps and the door opened. It was Isaac, Adam's trusty drummer. Tommy had gotten close to the brunette after Monte decided to shit on the entire band. Now his second closest friend, Isaac was his go-to-guy for the night and as Tommy stood in front of him, crying, his eyes rimmed with red, Isaac embraced him. Tommy's heaving figure sobbed inaudibly like this as Isaac lead him into the room, sitting with him on the couch.  
It wasn't exactly ideal for Isaac to be cuddling Tommy on the couch; in fact he was wishing it was his wife, Sophie. Tommy looked like dark Adam with his show makeup streaming down his face. The angry, drinking, pyro that dark Adam was described exactly how Tommy felt at this moment. Tommy felt like he was going to throw up from all of the crying and his head throbbed horribly. He didn't know when or if the crying would end.  
"Tommy, you have to tell me what's wrong. I can't help you if I don't know what's going on," Isaac told him.  
Tommy was trying to talk between heaving sobs, "Adam hates me Isaac," He sobbed some and hiccupped, then started again, "He..He said it. Oh god. What did I do?"  
Tommy went into further detail about Adam's yelling and his retaliation. He cried some more and even drank a shot or two to calm himself. Isaac tried to convince Tommy to go back to Adam to try to fix things, but Tommy was afraid Adam would say something again. Something bad, worse than he already had, and that was bad enough. Isaac told himself to try one more time to get Tommy to fix things.  
"Tommy listen. You know Adam. You know how much Sauli means to him. That fact that he is hurting badly right now doesn't change that he loves you too. Tommy where would he be without you? Probably drinking his life away again or worse. Despite what he says, he needs you now more than he ever has and you hiding out in my room doesn't help at all."  
Tommy thought about it and came to agreement yet, only nodded as Isaac showed him out the door. Tommy hadn't realized that he'd been gone from Adam for almost four hours as he slowly walked back to the room, contemplating going in or hiding for a while longer. He'd reached Adam's room, but heard Adam talking frantically and decided to listen.  
" _Isaac please just tell me where he is....What do you mean?...What! Isaac I have to find him. This is all my fault...Yeah I'll call you if I do..You too...Bye_ "  
There were light footsteps and Adam came out the door and knocked right into Tommy.  
"Oh my god! Tommy!" Adam yelled, embracing the smaller man.  
Adam took in the way Tommy was at this single moment. His hair was in a tangle, his cheeks black and puffy. He smiled a hurt smile, and smelled like Jack Daniels and peppermint. Adam would remember this Tommy forever, and he silently promised himself and Tommy that he would never let this Tommy resurface again. If he couldn't keep Sauli happy, then he sure as hell would keep Tommy happy.  
"So do you still have that stick up your ass?" Tommy asked. Adam had the look of a very apologetic man on his face, and Tommy felt sorry for the joke. "Guess that's a no."  
"Tommy, I am so sorry," Adam started, " I- I really shouldn't have said what I did and I know you can't forgive me but- OOFTA!"  
Tommy hugged him tightly and Adam staggered back. The taller Adam rested his chin on the top of Tommy's head and sighed. Adam knew he had long since been forgiven by Tommy, but he hadn't forgiven himself. How could he hurt someone he loved so much and then let him forgive him in an instant?  
"Tommy you have to be mad at me," Adam told him, stroking the side of his cheek gently, "You can't just let me walk all over you, and then forgive me like it didn't happen, I..I," Adam couldn't finish because the tears had already welled up and poured down his cheeks.  
Adam hurt himself when he hurt Tommy. He hadn't thought about the consequences when he let all of his feelings loose on the petite blonde. He didn't even consider him. All Adam was thinking about was his feelings for Sauli, but Sauli had left him and as much as it killed Adam to admit it, Tommy had never ever thought of anyone but Adam when he did things. That was the job. Protecting Adam's ass was everyone's responsibility, and everyone knew that messing up and drawing more light on Adam was not a good thing. Tommy never had a girlfriend, he never partied wildly like he used to, he didn't even decide what to wear in the morning without thinking of the rock star image, not that he didn't like it, but he still had to consider Adam in every decision he made, and so did everyone else.  
"I am mad Adam. I hate what you did and what you said to me. It cuts me deep to hear you say those things, even though they're probably true. I am forgiving you because I know you, and because I love you, but that doesn't mean I'll forget it. I love you Adam, dark side and light side," Tommy chuckled, "but you did say what you said, and that's not easily forgotten."  
"Oh Tommy," Adam sighed again, "Thank you so much. I've already lost my love, and I couldn't have lost you too. You mean the world to me. And to risk another favor, would you sleep with me tonight?"  
Tommy laughed at the sexual innuendos he could reply with, but he just nodded. Adam playfully ruffled Tommy's hair and Tommy walked off to take a shower. In a quick decision and need to be close to Tommy again, Adam ran up behind Tommy and hugged him from behind. They stood there and laughed together, and Tommy went about his business. The left over feeling of Adam's arms around his waist left a tingling feeling on Tommy's skin underneath his hoodie and shirt.  
Adam giggled slightly, "You look like Dark Adam from the video!"  
Walking away, Tommy chuckled, "Like you're any better, Light Side," and with a wink, he was in the bathroom.  
Tommy looked in the mirror of the bathroom and couldn't recognize himself. His face was puffed up and splotched with red. He turned the water knob and put it on burning hot. The hoodie and black skinny jeans he had on from the show were now on the floor and his naked figure reflected into the mirror. Adam's shampoo was the only hair wash in the shower, so Tommy was forced to squirt a tiny drop into his palm and he ran his thin fingers through his hair.  
Tommy breathed heavily. Fantasizing about Adam was a common thing for him. It made him feel completely wrong and disgusting every time, but he just couldn't help but get hard at the thought of the ginger-gone-raven man laying on the bed right outside the door. Adam was no doubt an attractive man and being so close with him all the time made it even harder for Tommy to resist the sex appeal that seeped from Adam's pores. I was almost irresistible to go out there and ravage Adam.  
Tommy relieved his tense muscles, and stepped out of the shower, wrapping the thick, plush, purple towel around his waist. His clothes were lying neatly on the counter, and consisted of his comfy boxers, black pajama pants, identical to Adam's, and a black Metallica t-shirt. The only reason the pants were identical to Adam's was because Adam ad Tommy went shopping for Sauli's birthday, a day before his birthday. Adam had been so busy with the release of his album Trespassing and getting ready to start his tour in June, that he completely forget to get Sauli a present. Adam and Tommy ended up buying matching sets of pajama pants, and getting nothing for Sauli. The next day, Adam bought Sauli a shiny blue Audi.  
Tommy trotted back into the room and started to pull the covers back on his bed when Adam stopped him.  
"I thought you were sleeping with me tonight Dark Side," He smiled.  
"I am but," Tommy thought for a second, "I'll be right there, go to bed."  
Tommy knelt down by the bedside opposite Adam as he walked toward his own bed. He reached under the bed and pulled out a suitcase. Tommy had never let anyone see the contents of this suitcase. No one even knew it was anything of any importance to him, but no one knew the story behind it either. Tommy carried this suitcase everywhere he went. Whether they were in Europe, New York or Mexico, Tommy had this suitcase.  
"Tommy, what's that?" Adam said, walking up behind Tommy as he pulled a red octopus out of the suitcase.  
"Nothing," Tommy said quickly tried to say, but Adam tried to open the suitcase at the same time. Needless to say that the mess that ensued was NOT to Tommy's preference.  
Red stuffed animals were scattered everywhere and Tommy's secret was out. Adam picked up the red octopus up off the floor and fingered the small piece of glass that was connected to its eye and laughed boisterously.  
"Don't break Reginald's monocle!" Tommy shouted, snatching the plush toy from Adam's grip, "Here, play with Treblinka, you can't hurt her," He said, replacing the octopus with a soft, red cat.  
With this, Adam doubled over with laughter and in a hurt voice Tommy asked, "What's the matter? She's adorable!"  
Tommy shoved Adam playfully, and Adam shoved back. This went on until they were full on wrestling on the floor. In a slight miracle, Tommy had managed to pin Adam to the floor. Straddling Adam’s waist, Tommy blew into his face, something Adam hated.  
Struggling against him, Adam laughed, "You tried to give me a cat named after a Jewish death camp! You have a red army of stuffed animals!"  
Tommy burst into a laughing fit, and Adam saw his chance. He flipped Tommy over and straddled him like he had to Adam. With Adam gripping Tommy's wrists hard and grinding his pelvis into Tommy's the sexual tension was riveting.  
"I guess I can't hold it against you then," Adam whispered, getting close to Tommy's face, "I'm non-practicing."  
They held this position for what seemed like forever. Tommy knew it was wrong to let Adam go on with what was undoubtedly about to happen. His stomach clenched with want, with the need to touch Adam and finally claim what he's wanted ever since the night of the third Fever kiss of the Glam Nation Tour in Fishkill, New York. He knew it like yesterday. The way Adam hungrily moved his lips made the stage gay more than just an act. Tommy hated pretending he wasn't interested when in fact, he was.  
"Adam..." Tommy warned.  
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Adam sighed, getting off of Tommy, releasing his grip, "You are SO showing me all of those tomorrow, it's our day off."  
Adam winked at Tommy and climbed into his bed and got comfortable, looking at Tommy prepare his own bed. Tommy pulled the sheets down and fluffed the pillows, putting Treblinka on the bed. Adam smiled at Tommy, loving the way he wanted everything to be perfect before bed. Tommy reminded him of Sauli suddenly and Adam cursed himself. He was better than this; he was Adam Lambert after all.  
"I thought you were coming to bed with me tonight?" Adam said, smirking his signature smirk, using his eyes to call Tommy over.  
"I am."  
And he did, plush Nazi cat included.  


End file.
